Macho Mom
Think you've got your hands full as a mother? Calculate your Macho Mom score! Its easy and fun! Go for the high score!
Step 1: Calculate your Base Score
a. Give yourself 100 points for every child. For purposes of calculating your Macho Mom score, adopted children count the same as biological children.
b. Add 100 points for every child under the age of 12 months.
c. Add 50 points for every child in diapers.
d. Add 30 points for every boy under the age of five.
e. Add 30 points for every girl between the ages of 13 and 18.
f. If you are actively gestating, add 50 points for every baby in-utero (i.e. if you are carrying twins, add 100 points). If you are in labor at this moment, add 500 points for each baby you are currently giving birth to.
g. Subtract 100 points for every child not living with you (i.e. grown children, children at boarding school, children in juvenile detention, etc.)
h. Add 200 points for every "special needs" child. For purposes of calculating your Macho Mom score, a "special needs" child is one who requires ongoing medical care or has a significant physical or mental handicap that requires constant attention.
i. Add 30 points for every ADD child.
j. If you work full-time, add 100 points. If you work part-time, add 50 points. If you work more than one job, or a job that requires lots of travel or extra hours, add 200 points.
k. If you have full-time in-home childcare (i.e. nanny, grandparent, etc.) subtract 100 points.
l. If you have overnight childcare (night nurse) subtract 150 points.
m. Add 10 points for each child who is into a dangerous sport or activity (hockey, skydiving, rock climbing, etc.)
Step 2: Calculate your Multipliers
a. If you are single and unattached, multiply your score by 2.0.
b. If you are married, but your husband is a worthless slob who never helps with the kids, multiply your score by 1.5. If you are married but your marriage is doomed, multiply your score by 1.75.
c. If you are unmarried, but in a stable, long-term committed relationship, multiply your score by 1.1 (not being judgmental, but being married gives you specific legal and financial protections).
d. If your children have any "honorary aunts" (childless friends/relatives who gladly babysit and/or do special stuff with your kids at least once every few months), multiply your score by 0.95 for each honorary aunt.
e. If you have twins, triplets, or higher order multiples, multiply your score by the number of kids you carried in your womb simultaneously. If you have more than one set of multiples, repeat this step for each set of multiples (for example: if you have twins, multiply your score by 2.0. If you have a set of twins and a set of triplets, multiply your score by 2.0 and then by 3.0).
f. If your children have grandparents in town who are able and willing to babysit, multiply your score by 0.85 for each set of local grandparents.
g. If one of your children has shouted "I hate you Mommy!" in the past 48 hours, multiply your score by 1.1.
h. If you have had a solid week away from all your children in the past three months (i.e. vacation without the kids, extended business trip, etc.) multiply your score by 0.75.
i. If you have ever had to choose between buying food or paying for a doctor's visit, multiply your score by 2.0.
j. If you are regularly hornier than your husband/partner, multiply your score by 0.25 since you're obviously not too stressed out or tired.
k. If you have visited Chuck E. Cheese in the past week, multiply your score by 1.1. If it was for a birthday party, multiply your score by 1.25.
Step 3: Compare Scores
After you've calculated your base score and factored in all your multipliers, the number you're left with is your Macho Mom score. Compare notes with your friends and neighbors to find out who's got the most hectic, stressed-out home life. The one with the highest score gets to sing the Macho Mom song, just as soon as I figure out what the words are.