Evil Alter Ego

I was watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer with She Who Puts Up With Me a few nights ago. It was one of the third season episodes where we get to see shy, bookish Willow as an evil dominatrix vampire in an alternate reality.

It was obvious that the actress was enjoying herself a great deal playing the dark twin to her usual character.

"Wouldn't you like to have an evil alter ego?" I asked She Who Puts Up With Me, who is one of the least-evil people I have ever met.

"Of course," she answered, then quickly added, "but just an alter ego."

As everyone knows, admitting that you want an evil alter ego is the first step to obtaining one. So, for the benefit of my lovely wife and anyone else who might be thinking of an evil alter ego, I present....

The Evil Alter Ego Questionnaire (Female)

Instructions: There are no right or wrong answers to this questionnaire. Your Evil Alter Ego specialist will use your answers to help create your personalized Evil Alter Ego. If you have any questions, or are unsure about anything, feel free to discuss it with your Evil Alter Ego specialist. A healthy two-way dialogue is essential to creating a successful Evil Alter Ego.

1) Which type of Evil Alter Ego are you most interested in:

1. Criminal mastermind

2. Dominatrix

3. Russian spy

4. Femme fatale

5. Vampire or other supernatural creature

2) Which of these factors will be most important in motivating your Evil Alter Ego to commit evil acts:

1. Money

2. Sex

3. Overzealous and/or misguided idealism

4. Hatred of men/women/children/puppies

5. Boredom

3) Please describe in 50 words or less a defining life event which could have led your Evil Alter Ego into a life of evil.

4) Which of these best describes the relationship your Evil Alter Ego will have with men:

1. Men are useful for lifting heavy objects

2. Men are helpless pawns in your plans

3. Only one part of a man is the slightest bit useful, and it isn't his brain

4. The human race would be better off, really, if women could clone themselves

5. Meals On Wheels

5) Which of these best describes the attitude your Evil Alter Ego will have towards sex:

1. What else is there to life?

2. It pays the rent

3. Sex makes men so....pliable

4. Ick, cooties!

5. Doing evil deeds makes you horny

6) What sort of evil name would you like for your Evil Alter Ego:

1. Not enough vowels

2. Umlauts and accents

3. A hint of noble blood

4. Disarmingly innocent

5. Double-, triple-, or quadruple-entendre

6. "Paris Hilton"

Thank you! Your Evil Alter Ego specialist will use your answers and the Evil Alter Ego discussion sessions to help you get in touch with your inner evil self. This will help us create the ideal customized Evil Alter Ego just for you.